Who I Am Hates Who I Been
by Cho345Chi
Summary: DH Spoilers This is for anyone who cried while reading, A Prince's Tale. Snape thinks back on his time with Lilly.


AN: I cried all through, "The Prince's Tale" in the seventh book. So I had to write this. I'm by the way one of the people that stood by Snape the whole time because unlike Harry I trust Dumbledore. So hear we go…most of this is just repeats from the book but I added my own flair.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor Do I own Reliant K….I mean how can I be a band and Jk Rowling all at the same time. So you can sue me for all 3 dollars I have or you can just read and review.

**Who I Am Hates Who I Been**

_I watch the proverbial sunrise_

_Coming up over the __Pacific_

"Look Severus isn't it beautiful." Thirteen year old Lilly Evans nudged Severus and pointed at the sky.

"It's just the sunrise, Lilly. It happens everyday." Snape answered.

"Well, it's amazing every time. " Lilly sighed. "Something's are just always going to be better then magic."

Severus looks at the sky and then at Lilly, "Yeah I hope so."

It was her eyes first. Her gorgeous green eyes that he notice. Her muggle family was one of many that lived near him. He didn't care much for muggles. They were loud and dim-witted and so ignorant of the world around them. He had just been walking along to the road as normal trying to get away from his house and his parents. And she had been sitting in her front yard with her muggle family. They didn't pay her any attention. None of the muggle cared about him anymore then his parents did. A little blue ball that she had been throwing back and fort with her farther had gotten out of her reach and down the hill to where he was. It stopped only two steps ahead of him. He debated in his head wither he should pick it up or just walk by but she had come running for it. She scoped up the ball smiling and turned to him. Her eyes didn't flinch or grow cold with hatred. They shone and seem to be only filled with kindness not pity for the poor child that lived at spinner's end. It was her eyes not her magic that brought his attention to her.

All he had to do was say 'Hi'. He kept replaying over and over how he would talk to her. He would practice on trees and write it down. Severus never actually wanted to talk to anyone before. But every time he saw her he felt the desire to go over and shared everything he knew. When he saw her do magic he knew he had a chance. There was no way someone so amazing with enchanting eyes could be just a muggle. She seemed afraid of her power for she only did it alone at first. This was when he wanted to talk to her the most. To tell her it's okay and that she wasn't the only one. But he was so afraid. What if she didn't like him? What if she thought it was strange that he had been watching her at the park for almost a year? All he had to do was say, "Hi" but it seemed impossible to get pass his fear.

When he finally spoke to her, her silly sister was there. She messed everything up. He went home and cried not liked anyone heard him or came to comfort him but he cried. But all had not been lost. She had approached him….yes she had approached him and said, "You can do it too? Really?" he had nodded and they had talked. She talked to him. She asked him millions of questions about magic, Hogwarts, the ministry and then she started to ask questions about him.

"So what are they like? Your parents?"

"There not like yours."

"Well I guessed that but what are they like?"

"There not very…."he grew silent.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No I do. I just never told anyone before." She was silent till he spoke again.

"They are terrible. The fight all the time. And ignore me and well when I try to stop them. He…"

Lilly put her arm around him. He wasn't aware that he started crying. Her touch made him feel safe. Secure. When he finally spoke to her, her silly sister was there but she was able to see pass anything she said.

It was nice having a best friend. They wouldn't play together. He wasn't one to run around like the other children. They just talked. She asked him about his Hogwarts and he would tell her. She asked about his family and he would tell her. She told him about her family. They were seemingly perfect. Her dad worked all day and came home to his loving wife that never raised her voice and thought everything he did was marvelous. The other kids thought it was weird that she would rather have hush conversations with that Snape boy then play with them but she didn't care. It was nice having a best friend though he didn't really have any other friends to compete for the title.

_You might think __I'm__ loosing my mind _

_But__ I'll shy away from the __specifics_

He meant to drop the branch. Her sister was so hypocritical. She was so jealous of Lilly. She would follow her to meet him and hide listing and dreaming about the place where she could not go. She spied on them longing to know what it was like to be like Lilly. She was nothing like Lilly. She was plain and foolish not brave or smart. Lilly was everything. Severus saw her in the bushes listening in. He didn't tell Lilly because he didn't want her to go away. But the muggle girl was…well annoying. And when they had caught her she had the nerve to pretend that she didn't care. That she didn't want to be them. She had the never to insult him. He hated her for that. He had meant to drop the branch but he had forgotten that she was her sister.

_Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.__See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.__Stop right there. Well I never should have said__that__ it's the very moment that__I wish that I could take back._

He never took her to his house. She had invited him over for tea once and tea with muggles that where pretending to like you wasn't as trilling as it sounds. But two weeks after he had almost hurt her sister he saw her standing outside the door. She looked slightly scared of the dark house. But he admired her for her courage because she knocked firmly on the door. His farther had answered it. Severus panicked. His farther would not be polite toward her nor anyone else. "Umm Mr. Snape, I'm Lilly and I was wondering if Severus was home?" His farther stiffened his shoulder and glared at the girl. His cold eyes filled with apathy. His hands grabbed on to the door handle and with out speaking slammed it in her face. He never took her to his house, just to make sure she didn't see the family he hated so much.

_'__cause__ I don't want you to know where I am_

_'cause then you'll see my heart_

_In the saddest state it ever been._

_This is no place to try and live my life_

He had to pay for her coming to their house. He beat the bruises that were already there and open the scares that were almost healed. His mother screamed for him to stop, he didn't he never did. He would just yell at her later. And every hit made him long for Hogwarts more to get away from them more. He wouldn't say he loved his mother, he hated when she cried over him. But he would never say he loved his farther. The man had made the world seem unfair and every night he dreamed and prayed that there was enough Lilly Evans in the world to balance out the men like his farther. He had to pay for her coming to their house, but for being alive he paid far more.

It amazed him how many times she forgave him. Over and over again she forgave even after the branch incident she still wanted to be his friend. She said she knew it wasn't his fault and that Tuney was just being mean. She forgive him even after his dad had left a note saying that Severus was never to speak to her again. She didn't care she knew that he needed her. She forgave him for going in to Petunia's room and stealing her note form Dumbledore. She forgave him for cursing the boy who tried to kiss her on the cheek at the park. She would always say it was okay, and then hold his hand. He loved her touches, her warm skinned. It was amazing how many times she forgave him, it seemed like he always needed it.

_I talk to __absolutely__ no one_

_Couldn't kept to myself enough_

Her being in Gryffindor was a problem. He could never talk to her much without Potter or Black near by. His only friend was instantly adore by everyone. The teachers all loved her. The girls thought she was funny and the boys well it bother him how much they liked her. They had potion together and they would sit together much to everyone else dismay. Her friends found him weird and laughed about the jokes Potter made about him. But that never made her move away. They would talk and laugh on how other people's potion came out. She was so witty. Half of the things he wrote in his potion books he shared with her. Not that she liked how much he practices but the both did well in school. They lead their class. Not even Potter' gang could compete with them. They frowned upon their relationship. The cruel jokes they made about them as a couple, about him made him afraid she would stop talking to him. But she didn't. Her being in Gryffindor was a problem, or maybe he being in Slytherin was.

For the first four years of school he had no one but her. She was the only one who cared. They would spend all summer together getting up early to watch sunrises and talk when their parents couldn't object. He pretend that he didn't see how she was changing. Everyday she became more and more beautiful. He lusted after her but loved her all the more. At school he talked to no one except her. Every now and then she would get mad at him for trying some dark magic and refuse to speak to him. But then he would say sorry and she would forgive him, like always. That was the way she was, so caring always seeing the best in people. When she wasn't with him. He did magic, did potion made up spells. O and he was teased. It Potter and company wasn't around he would hear the crackling of the girls even the ones in his own house. They made mocking him a sport. For the first four years he had no one but her, and even though he loved her it hurt that it was just her.

It had to be James of all people. While several boys liked Lilly none of them were brave enough to ask her out. But James Potter of all people took a licking to her. James who had made fun of her for being a teacher's pet and Snivellus best friend. Who had made fun of him and almost tried to kill him. Who everyone worshiped because he was good at quidditch. Who was selfish and never had to work a day in his life. Who parents loved him and hugged him before they tucked him in to bed. That got detention and didn't care. Who broke the rules but still got pat on the back for his cunning ways. James Potter liked Lilly Evan who was perfect, smart, and beautiful. When ever he saw him talking to her, flirting with her his blood boiled. It had to be James of all people; he wanted it to be him.

_And the things bottled inside have finally begun__To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.__I heard the reverberating footsteps__Synching up to the beating of my heart,__And I was positive that unless I got myself together,__I would watch me fall apart._

Then he made friends with Mulciber. He found Severus's magic enticing. He praised it and used it. And people got hurt but he had friends. Boy friends his own age. They didn't hang out with him all the time but they were still friends. They protected him from the other Slytherin. Not from Potter but for the first time in his life Severus had people that wanted to know what he had to say. Okay, Lilly but things were changing. She tried to hide it but she was attracted to him. Maybe she didn't like him but she was attracted to him. Mulciber tried to convince him to forget her. He kept saying that he didn't need her but he was wrong he always needed her. Mulciber didn't care what happen at home with him. He didn't understand why he cried late at night. Then he made friends with Mulciber, and yet the only friend he had was still Lilly.

It hurt him so much. He wanted to tell her, to say, "I can't pretend anymore I love you." And then she would look at him with her bright eyes and say, "I love you too, let's run away together." But it never happened. She had said she loved him all the time but it was always in a very friendly way. He loved her more then he loved himself or magic or….well he didn't know what else he had ever love beside magic and her. He practiced in the same why he had when they were younger. He wanted to tell her so bad. He wanted to kiss her to hold her. But he couldn't because he was once again too afraid to tell her how he felt. It hurt him so much; those three words hurt him so much.

It was amazing how alike him he was. They were both alone, half-blood, had parents who were never there to care, who hated people that had it easy. Mulciber would update them on what he was doing away from the school. He was trying to rid the world of people like his farther, people who didn't understand. He loved the sort of magic Severus could do. He would accept him Severus knew. He would not make fun of his nose or his inability to fly a broom those things didn't matter to him. The magic was all that matter. It was amazing how alike him he was, The Dark Lord and him.

"Mudblood." He still didn't believed he called her that. Her blood and heart was pure. She was smarter then anyone he knew. Kinder then anyone. And he had said it. Maybe out of his anger that she had come to save him. He hated when Potter embarrassed her in front of him. He wanted to be the brave cool one hanging people upside down. But he was always the Sniverllus. Mulciber watched from a distant and didn't say a thing. He didn't care about Snape that much. Lilly was not helping. He didn't want her to see him like this: helpless. But the word, it wasn't just that he called her it. It was the way he said it. He felt it. He felt like his farther. With indifference towards anyone that wanted to help him. She had saw this right away of course, and she had decided if he was going to be afraid to say that they were friend's then she wasn't gong to pretend like they were either. "Mudblood." The word that change everything.

_Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.__See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.__Stop right there. Well I never should have said__That it's the very moment that__I wish that I could take back._

To get over life without her he threw him self in to magic. She wasn't on his side. She wanted to be an Auror. He wanted to be a death eater. It wasn't the same thing. She would read books on great wizard and witches who saved villages and killed dragons while he saved clippings on what the Dark Lord was doing. When Potter heard that what she wanted to do, he suddenly decided that was his life calling too. Potter was finally growing up. He was becoming mature. He didn't pick on first years anymore. He left all his cruelty for Snivellus which even Severus knew was getting better. And now she wasn't only looking. Why did he have to be good looking? She was laughing at his jokes, sitting nearer to him at meals, batting her eye lashes and tossing her hair when he was looking back. Severus wanted to go over to her and grab her. Take her away from him, but they only seem to be getting closer. He made curses that he dreamed on trying on him. Jinks to make him less god likes. Spells that would open up his skin just like Severus's farther had done to him. To get over life without her he threw him self in to magic, but even this was still all about her.

And then she said yes. He had asked her out again her the trillionth time at lunch if she would go to Hogsmeade with him. Severus was walking by and he wasn't paying attention. He had expected to hear a laugh and withy answer like, "Potter are you hard of hearing? I already said no." But she didn't, she said yes, three letters that stabbed at Severus heart.

She loved him. He wanted to believe she only went out with him to make him jealous. But it wasn't true. She would sit with him in the courtyard, and he would spy like he had done with her and her sister. She would lay in his arms and they would whisper lover's words. He would push back her hair and kiss her. He wasn't sure when it happen but Potter had become a gentleman. He was so sweet to her. He worshiped her. He gave up his childish ways. Everyone said they were made for each other. But when he watched them for a distant he would imagine him caressing her. He would imaged him kissing her. She loved him, Potter not Snape.

_I'm sorry for the person I became_

Two years after the graduated he saw her buying fruit. He had just come from killing his farther. Yes, the dark Lord allowed him to kill him. And she was in the market by their house. She looked beautiful, happy, and all without him. He lost his head and went to her. He tapped her on the shoulder and she turned. And instead of pulling out her wand and cursing him to dust she smiled and hugged him. His heart exploded. She forgave him once again. When she let go she was still smiling. She was filled with questions as usual. He couldn't really answer them because of the Dark Lord but he was talking to her! She was not still furious with him. But something about her. Her left hand was dug deep in to her pocket the whole time. He reached lightly down and pulled it up. A gold band shone across her ring finger. "We're visiting my parents, and I said I'll make James a homemade no magic apple pie." She said. She wasn't looking at him. His heart sank. It was too good to be true.

"You can always switch you know. No one has pinned you with him yet. You'll make a good…"

"A good what Lilly? A good auror."

"Yes, why not? Your good at magic and….Severus…I miss you."

Yes, her words warmed his heart but he knew it was to late.

"I'm sorry Lilly?"

"Its okay, but Severus…"

"Hmm."

"No matter what happens I'm still going to believe that there are something greater then magic. Dark or not."

"I hope so."

It was amazing how alike him he was. They were both alone, half-blood, had parents who were never there to care, who hated people that had it easy. He had told him the news with great cheer. The prophecy would prove him worthy. And it had but he had taken it to meant her. She wasn't only married to him but she had a child by him. They were in the order fighting against them. He knew right away that no matter how much he begged the child wouldn't be the only one killed. Killing James would be one thing but Lilly, not her. Lilly that knew he was a death eater and stilled forgave him. Lilly who was the only person that didn't just laugh and use him. She wasn't just some woman. She was his everything. The only person that he ever loved and loved him back. He had to save her. No amount of magic or power was worth this much. It was amazing how alike him he was, and how much more unlike they were too.

_I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.__I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again__'cause who I am hates who I've been.__Who I am hates who I've been._

So he changed. Lilly died and he changed. She was right as always. There was always a way out. He loved her and even though she will always be Potter's she loved him. Love was always greater then magic. He went to Dumbledore and made this second friend ever and went to teach. He was never nice like her. He didn't trust people and always excepted the worst. He only was honest with Dumbledore. But he changed he went to Dumbledore and never locked back. So he changed.

_Who I am hates who I've been__And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.__Who I am hates who I've been__'cause who __I've been only ever made me..._

The first years swarmed in front of them. Snape saw all of them and as usual they seem scared. But he was looking. He had never seen him before but people said you would know right away which one he was. With or without the scare. Standing next to a dirty red head there he was. A mirror of James. Same messy black hair and lofty face. The anger he had towards James was still there and lived in the boy. At every lesson, every detention Harry became Snape's revenge. He let Malfoy teased him because James never got teased before. He didn't have the love and care of parents like James. He wanted Harry to feel like him. He learned during occlumency that his uncle and her silly sister hated him and that life wasn't handed to him. He enjoyed it but yet... The first and the last time he and the boy locked at each other Snape saw her, after all he did has his mother's eyes.

_So sorry for the person I became.__So __sorry that it took so long for m__e to change.__I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again__'cause who I am hates who I've been.__Who I am hates who I've been._

"Look...at...me..." he whispered.

The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed black and empty.-Harry Potter and the Death Hallows pg.658

AN: So I'm crying now because I went back and read the chapters. So I made up some year things and yeah there that bit about the market but I wanted Lilly to forgive him formally. And the song is all out of order but well I just wanted to make sure I had it at the right places. But beside that what do we think???? REVIEW please.


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